I feel like I don’t know you anymore. We’ve never really been close, but I’m worried about you. I admit I talk a lot of shit about you behind your back, but you do the same and I have no problem saying it all to your face. I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but we balance each other out. And I totally just edited out a whole lot of colorful adjectives describing our differences. That’s not what this is about. This is about you and a legitimate concern for your future. String up the banner because this, my right-wing friend, is an intervention.
You had a beautiful run with President G.W. Bush. You were at the top of your game. I found comfort hiding in the warm embrace of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and endlessly making fun of your idiot little brother. I say that with the utmost respect for the office of the President, of course. It looked like you were staying in the White House with Sen. McCain until good ol’ rootin-tootin rogue Auntie Sarah stumbled in. Then you showed up four years later with that beautiful, etched from a Republican presidential wet dream, Mitt. The whole damn family looked like they were born in the White House, but alas the Democrats won yet again.
You’ve got your Libertarians; we’ve got our Socialists, but as bitterness began to surface it looked as though the Tea Party was going to force out your lovely conservative, yet level-headed-ish base. Little did we know they were the gateway to something far more toxic.
I will admit I was nervous going into the presidential election preseason with Mama Hillary against your potential candidate pool. There was big brother Jeb, the possible return of chisel chinned cousin Mitt, Ted “Praise the Lord” Cruz for the evangelicals, Gov Kasich, the “Quiet Storm” (nobody calls him that), and maybe a distant Libertarian cousin, Rand Paul to spice things up.
It was going to be a GREAT season.
And then the crazy uncles showed up. Mine is a messy, adorable man with big ideas and a no fuss attitude. He’s swept in and divided our party, but most of us shrug our shoulders and claim either candidate is better than any Republican.
Yours. Yours is the reason for this intervention, for this much needed reminder of you are/were/could be.
The whole family showed up to be the Republican presidential nominee. The WHOLE family. And you know not everyone knows when it’s time to go home…I’m looking at you Ben Carson. Somebody wake up Doc Carson, again. After each debate, caucus, and primary someone thanks the good Lord and heads home.
You sipped on that Tea Party crazy so long you went blind! A wealthy, successful, celebrity, entrepreneur takes a liking to you and you lose your goddamn mind (it’s okay, I can say “goddamn”, I’m a Democrat). He has bullied his way into your soul and poor Jeb took his ball and went home! Jeb, you loved that man, and he’s from a legacy family! Did you even notice him crying in the corner? You friends and family who care about you have been trying to tell you this affair with The Donald has gone too far.
It’s about time for someone to pack Uncle O’Phobicist Trump into the gold plated minivan and head home.
So who’s it going to be? Who is going to take on Mr. BadHair Huff-n-Puff? Who is going to challenge his antiquated ideals and Hitler-esque style? Who is left on the island to take on the man Fox News might hate more than any single member of the liberal media?
Can the Doctor take on the Billionaire and his trophy wife? Doubtful. (Can he stay awake? Why is this man still running?) I know every election season you start to regret all the shitty things you do to screw over people of color, but propping up one of the most BORING people on earth because he happens to be African-American does not give you any diversity points. Much the same way that air bag Auntie Carly did nothing for your support from women.I know she looked promising, but Fiorina went Palin on you, I think you may have a type.
Who else is left in the pool…cousin Johnnie K from Ohio. Let’s see he’s moderate (well doing his best to shed that image now by attacking women), former Senator, decent Governor, slightly boring, but not like Doc Ben(…did he wake up yet), just wants everyone to get along…nope. I know that choice is much too reasonable, too respectable even. This is an intervention we need to take baby steps not huge leaps of faith (not that I am questioning your faith.) Maybe just call Jeb and check on him. No? Too soon?
Ok that leaves the half-Cuban cousins Cruz and Rubio.
Their resumes are similar and they both may be attractive to the Hispanic voters you also spend an enormous amount of time screwing over, lump together, and assume their primary concern is immigration. And Teddy has already been going rounds with Trumpy so that seems like a good warm up. Oh wait, Ted’s got that dirty little Canadian secret. Damn. I want our candidate to compete with your best and brightest (?), even if that is Ted Cruz (I’ll take Narrow-Minded Hate Machines Hiding Behind Jesus, for $1000 Alex.)
Which leaves Marco “Mr. Roboto” Rubio. He was an unexpected addition since this was Jeb Bush’s year and little Marco was raised by Jeb (awkward). You could say he is pretty dreamy with his uber-conservative views, youthful appearance, and fun name. Not Mitt dreamy, but he’ll do. What Marco can’t do though, is beat Trump.
Even after Trump briefly hooked up with Auntie Sarah and now things are all weird and awkward.
White people love The Donald in a way only, racist/xenophobic/homophobic/misogynistic, white people can love and that is with a heart full of hate for all things not white or Christian. (C’mon even their Jesus is white!) It’s the Bad-Hair-Don’t-Care Club of hate. Has the Westboro Baptist Church given him their endorsement yet? No, they hate Trump too? Is that ironic? (To be fair the WBC hates pretty much everybody except the WBC.) Also, I am not calling out white people just to call out white people. Watch any Trump event and scan the crowd. It is quite a monochromatic landscape. Shades of White with a splash of orange. And the Silent Majority signs are just asking to be called out on their bs.
“Make America Great Again” sounds nice, but this slogan carries a truth that should scare the shit out of every non-Klan member American. He is a vile bully and YOUR party’s new poster boy. He is about to be your presidential nominee and while we have all thoroughly enjoyed the show, you need to put his embarrassing, tripe spewing ass to bed.
I know he ignited your alarmists’ flames in a way only an expert media arsonist can. He was the result of attempting to rebel against the sinful, politically correct liberal machine ruining America. A moment of rebellion against the corporate- loving establishment (you love capitalism, remember) because he’s “self-funded” so what? Is he going to self-fund the country so he can always get his way? Does this sound like someone we know? He’s all powerful, only cares about himself despite telling people to love him because maybe loves them…kind of…not at all, doesn’t play well with others, throws tantrums, also has really bad hair days, lives in North Korea…ringing any bells?
Please know I am saying all of this because I care about you. We rarely agree and it is a beautiful thing when we do, but you’ve gone round the bend. For eight painful (for you) years, your party has grown more stubborn and resentful. You gained control of Congress and have halted any meaningful changes, you’ve allowed hate to fuel your momentum, and your family is falling apart. Stop trying to deflect attention from this catastrophe by creating even more Obama Drama! This time you can’t blame us. This isn’t the war on Christmas; this is real. This is all you, sweetheart. Only you can reevaluate your choices and make meaningful changes. Embrace your Moderates and reestablish your center. Om.
And when you look over to the Left, we will be here, cheering on your efforts to silence the Hair Beast that is decimating your party. We will take up the cause (because that’s what we do) to protect what shreds of dignity you still posses. We are really nice about it, not all in your face like your anti-choice friends. More of an, “I told you so,” with a hefty guilt trip approach.
For example, “Is this really the GOP you want your born, unborn, or born again children to inherit? <insert head tilt, slight head shake, while patting your hand>.
Please understand our money, endorsements, and volunteers will not be given to ANY of your remaining candidates. We do have our own backyard and crazy (adorable) uncle to tend to after all. Know that we will do more than send you thoughts and prayers and we won’t demean you with our charity or pseudo-socialistic ways . No, we will embrace your need for tough love and remind you of your traditionalist Puritanical beliefs. In as simple and plain as our elitist ways will allow, we will tap into you fear-loving, fire and brimstone needing hearts so that you may fight back against the Orange Cat Ass Mouth Impostor. Because no one really wants to look at a cat ass and your party already has an orange man you are very fond of (and the Pope hearts him too!)
We can get through this, together.
Love (in a I-have-to-because-we’re-family-way),
Your Around the Way Girl
P.S. I checked with my people and Obama is not behind this, although it would be the GOAT of pranks.